Bridge At the Corners


from "Bridge at the Corners: The Canadian Club"

Introduction
Part  1: Nascence
Part  2: Attila
Part  3: The Maggot
Part  4: Cowboy
Part  5: The Sultan
Part  6: The Maggot Makes a Finesse !
Part  7: The Lady In Dread
Part  8: The Leading Man
Part  9: A Beauty and a Pearl
Part 10: The Beast of Bridge
Part 11: Laze, Lays and Leis
Part 12: Encore !
Part 13: Breakfast of Champions
Part 14: Replay
Epilogue and Travelogue


Introduction

      This is the complete Bridge humour series on the "Fearsome Foursome", residents of Punkydoodles Corners, excerpted from the manuscript "Bridge at the Corners: The Canadian Club".

      The complete manuscript details the peculiar Precision-esque bidding system which these characters employ.  If you would like to see a reposting of the entire manual, including the technical sections detailing the Canadian Club, please post your request or leave the author an e-mail message at cpw@escape.ca. 
      Your comments are welcome !

      For our purposes, simply ignore the bidding entirely !   

      [ Technical note: To comply with standards and allow everyone to distinguish the suits, I will employ letters (c, d, h and s) for suits rather than the symbols.  I thank Messrs. Lewis and Buchhorn for this suggestion.]


Part 1: Nascence

      Most people would be reluctant to believe that anyone would name their town "Punkydoodle's Corners".  But, for a small speck on the northern landscape, that skepticism would have served them well.  It is true that this is not a megapolis.  The greeting "Welcome to Punkydoodle's Corners" is written on both sides of the sign.  The closest thing to a subway system was constructed by two gophers on a Tuesday afternoon.

      Six months ago, I was driving through that area, understandably desperate to find a highway back to civilization.  A typical male, I proudly and stubbornly refused to stop for help until I was beyond all help.  I was hopelessly lost. 
      In Punkydoodle's Corners, no less.  And I was about to learn that there is no road back from Punkydoodle's Corners.

      Judging from the road signs, there are a lot of services to be found in Punkydoodle's Corners: fire station, mayor's office, general store, post office, meeting hall, police station and municipal office.  Unfortunately, there is only one building in town: a brown brick house plastered with official signs.

      I entered via the front door.  The main floor was a general store.  Food, clothing, hardware, building supplies, pharmaceuticals — everything but a clerk.  The place was deserted !    I took a steep stairway up to the offices on the second floor.  Again, there was no one around.  The third floor was smaller, fitting under a slanted ceiling.  Once more, desolate.  I retreated down to the ground floor, trying not the think of Stephen King.  On the way out, I noticed a second stairwell leading down to the cellar.

      As I stepped down these stairs, scenes from the Amityville Horror House flashed through my mind.  It occurred to me to tread lightly and announce my presence.  This area was "NRA country" (i.e., Beirut has tougher gun-control laws).

      Hello,  " I shouted.  No response.  I continued down the steps into the bowels of darkness.  What I saw when I reached the cellar scared me more than any loaded gun.  Indeed, it made me wish I were in Amityville.

      A sixty-watt light bulb barely illuminated a table in the middle of the room.  Hunched around this table were five hideous figures: one birdlike, the other four roughly humanoid.  It was an anthropologist's dream come true: an Australopithecus, a Cro- Magnon, a Neanderthal and a Troglodyte.  I wouldn't even guess at the bird's exact species; it was a massive conglomeration of black feathers, talons and beady, carnivorous eyes. 
      I stared in terror at these still figures, until I convinced myself that this was a wax museum.  I then scanned the room for signs of more modern human life.  No such luck.  As my gaze returned to the table, I chanced upon a sight which made my blood run cold.

      Smoke !   The Troglodyte had a pipe in its mouth and there was smoke billowing from it !   I gawked in disbelief.  Suddenly, one of the figures moved !   The Cro-Magnon.  He moved !   I distinctly saw his hand pick something up from the table and relocate it to another place on the table.

      Thirty seconds later, I was back in the car, two miles down the road.  My car was doing 120, my heart was doing 130.  I drove for hours, turning here and there as the notion struck.  I was completely lost, and couldn't find so much as a farm house.  There was nothing but miles and miles of more miles and miles.  Finally, I spotted a building up ahead.  I strained to read the road sign in the falling darkness.

      "Welcome to Punkydoodle's Corners."

      My fate was obvious.  I was stranded in the Twilight Zone and my only option lay in re-encountering my evolutionary ancestors.

      I descended the stairs as if I'd been consigned to Hades.  Deafened by the pounding of my own heartbeat, I stood beside the table.

      Could one of you gentlemen direct me back to the main highway? I squeaked.  No reply.  The primates could not be distracted.  I leaned forward to see what was keeping them so enthralled.  My jaw dropped.  Cards !   These primordials were playing cards !

      Shouldn't you guys be inventing fire or something? I wondered to myself.  The four players continued to ignore me.  Not so the bird.  Its head swivelled as I moved around the room.  Two hawklike eyes shadowed my every move.  If nothing else, the bird made me feel welcome — as welcome as a steak in a crocodile pit.

      Being an inveterate cardplayer myself, I concentrated on finding out what game these pre-humanoids were playing.  I was convinced that it would be some crude derivative of Snap, War or Go Fish.  I observed a pattern.  The players would grunt in clockwise rotation.  Then one would put a card face up on the table.  The one on that ape's left would then lay down all of his cards face up.  My God !   They were playing Bridge !

      I listened more closely to their auctions, hoping to learn how to bid in Neanderthal.  I discerned that, with a little imagination and allowances made for dialect, facial hair, familiarity and lazy elocution, these grunts could be construed as English.  Couldn't Nar constitute a bastardized one heart?

      I pulled up a chair and began kibitzing.  The calibre of play was unremarkable.  Indeed, to call these characters "kitchen Bridge players" would be an insult to all three terms.  What intrigued me was the bidding.  Stuck in this remote location, far from the outside Bridge World, these characters had fashioned an utterly unique bidding approach.  What caught my attention was seeing them bid confidently up to 7 on:

Opener
A x
A K x x x
A x
K Q J 10
   
Responder
K Q x x x
Q
x x x x x
A x

      The auction had gone thus:
1  – Strong and forcing.
1  – Game-forcing response showing 5+ Spades.
1NT  – Do you have a second 4+card suit?
2  – Yes, I have 4+ Diamonds.
2NT  – What is your short suit?
3  – A fifth Diamond. 
3  – Again, what is your short suit?
3  – Short in Hearts. 
4  – Let's set Clubs as trumps for now.
4  – No Q, minimum, 1 Ace or K. 
4NT  – Kings?
5  – One King outside Clubs.
5  – Do you have anything extra — a Queen, perhaps?
5  – Yes, Q.
7  – Ruff a Heart high, draw trump and claim 13.
Pass  – You're the boss.

      As the bird's glare finally returned to the game, I began to relax and settle in for the long haul.  I spent the next four months there, learning more about the system that was able to reach 7 on these cards. 


Part 2: Attila

      Seated in his customary chair, furthest from the room's only window, is the loudest and most intimidating of the humanoids.  This obnoxious and overbearing ape is aptly named "Attila".
A certified graduate of the Rush Limbaugh Charm School, Attila has the same good nature and pleasant demeanour one would expect in a wounded rattlesnake.  He is every bit as disturbing as he is disturbed.  Indeed, this insanely vicious and cold-blooded reptile is the world's one (and, we hope, only) Rabid Rattler.
      He refers to strangers as "intruders", partners as "idiots" and adversaries as "pigeons".  For obvious reasons, I was never able to determine what he calls his friends. 
      Nevertheless, this "Caustic Caution" saves his harshest vitriole for "Fleshie", the bird sitting on his partner's shoulder.  Only during his kinder moments, would he call Fleshie a "gutter snipe vulture" and "feathered freak". 
      When Fleshie trounced Attila in the Punkydoodle's Corners mayoralty race, the bird received a letter bomb in his mailbox.  Since then, Fleshie has suspected Attila of trying to make him an offer he couldn't defuse.

      The "Rattler" considers himself the best of the four players.  He is, in fact, the worst.  True to type, Attila blames his copious errors on his partner "hanging" him during the auction or play. 
In fact, such accusations account for the man's full name: "Attila the Hung". 
      Attila occupied the centre stage on one of the first hands that I kibitzed in Punkydoodle's Corners:

x x x x x x
K x x x
J 10 x
x
x x
J 10 x
x x x x x x
J
A K
A Q 9 x
A K Q
x x x x
Attila
Q J 10
x x
x
A K Q 10 x x x
   Sitting South, Vul versus not, Attila opened 3NT.  Pass. Pass.
    Attila's RHO noted the vulnerability and the Declarer.  Pass !

    When his J was allowed to win the first trick, LHO continued with 10.  RHO overtook this with his Q.  He then cashed A, AK and AKQ.  Attila bared down to AKQ10 and Q.  When RHO, with 9 and xxxx, switched to a small Club, the Caustic Caution "knew" that RHO must have Jxxxx.  Why else would he play this way ?

      Congratulate me, pard, crowed Declarer as he put in 10, I certainly maximized the result here !

      After watching the opponents win all 13 tricks, his partner agreed.

      For the defence, dummy muttered under his breath.


Part 3: The Maggot

      It is said that "bad luck comes in threes".
      Sitting across from Attila is a hapless and unkempt Cro-Magnon known affectionately as "The Maggot". 
      His first and most serious curse is already evident: he is sitting across from Attila. 
      The Maggot's appearance and personal hygiene could be described as sub-minimal — even by Punkydoodle's Corners standards.  This, of course, does not escape the attention of his partner, who calls him "The Ghost of Cleanliness Past", adding "long past" under his breath.
      The Maggot's second misfortune is the presence of Fleshie on his left shoulder, glaring at any guilty of making an error.  This, of course, means that Fleshie stares fixedly and contemptuously at the Rabid Rattler
      In turn, this brings the Maggot even more abuse from his partner, who has positioned the Maggot and Fleshie nearest the window, in the hopes that either the fumes or the "Plumed Profanity" might escape.

      The Maggot's third jinx is his inability to make a successful finesse.
Attila
A x x
A Q x x
A Q x x
J 10 9
x x
8 3
J 10 x x x
K Q x x
K x
K J x x
K 9 x
x x x
Maggot
Q J 10 9 x x
10 x x
x x
A x x
 
 
    In the South seat, our hero opened 3, which everyone passed — Attila doing so only reluctantly.  After 8 was led, the Maggot surveyed dummy.
    He muttered his thoughts, as he contemplated a course of action.

Hook a Heart or two, hook a Spade, take two Club hooks and the Diamond — Geez !   More hookings than Xaviera Hollander ...

      The 8 lead allowed Declarer to take/lose a free finesse in that suit. Winning the trick with his J,  RHO switched to a Club.  The Maggot ducked and watched LHO win with Q and return J.  The Q produced K from RHO.  Back came another Club.
      The Maggot ducked this, and saw LHO win K and return 3.  The Maggot inserted Q, losing a trick to K and another to a Heart ruff.  LHO exited with a Spade to his partner's K for down two.

      Holding my hand, a lesser player would have raised to 4, Attila boasted.

      Yes, agreed the Maggot quietly, but where would we find a lesser player ?


Part 4: Cowboy

      I have come to know the Troglydite as "Cowboy".  Perhaps, it was his maverick style or his bullish optimism that brought him the name.  Or perhaps his horse-mane hair and card-sharp reputation brought him the monicker.  This cow-puncher is the direct antithesis of his opponents. 
      He is easily the luckiest Bridge player in the world. 
He quickly attracted the envy of the Maggot, who turns green at the sound of Cowboy describing a finesse as "two top tricks".  This explains why the Maggot calls him "God's Favourite Atheist". 
      The Cowboy is charming as an individual and skilled as a player, garnering him a place right next to Fleshie's in Attila's Pantheon of the Despised. 

      In one rubber, the Atheist defeated a 99% game before making a 1.8% part score, a 0.4% game and a slam whose chances could only be measured with exponential notation.  Seeing this, Attila stormed into the local Post Office and tacked up a large picture of the cowpoke.  A caption underneath the photo read: "The Law of Average's Most Wanted Man".

      Indeed, Cowboy's success has prompted him to take to cheating in order to provide his opponents an excuse for their inevitable losses.  Long before I arrived on the scene, Cowboy and his previous partner established the practice of passing messages and cards underneath the table. 
      At one point, this traffic became so regular and dependable that Attila dubbed it "The Punkydoodle's Corners Subway System".  Cowboy's old partner became known as "The Conductor" for his contribution to the local transit authority. 
But, the Conductor left the game, citing some flimsy excuse (he was getting married).  Since then, his name is rarely mentioned in polite Punkydoodle's Corners circles.

Q x
J x x x x
A K J x x x
Attila
A
J x x
A K Q x x x
Q x x
Maggot
J 9 7 x x
x x x
x x
x x x
Cowboy
K Q 10 8 x x x
A K x x x
x
OpenerMaggotCowboyAttila
3 Pass 3 4
Dble Pass 6 Dble
Pass Pass Rdbl Pass
Pass Pass
    The 3 opening was slightly off-shape.  Cowboy ventured a 3 response to ask for Opener's major suit shortness.
    The final contract might seem ambitious to many. 

      Our hero ruffed the A lead and pondered his chances.  This did not take long, since he had so few.  He led a Heart to Q and ruffed a second Diamond.  He now played off two top Hearts from his hand and then lead a club towards dummy. 
      When Attila played low, he finessed with J.  Two top Club honours allowed him to ditch his two small Hearts.  When he led a Diamond from dummy, the Maggot, down to only Spades, was forced to ruff.  Cowboy over-ruffed, exited with his lowest Spade to Attila's A, and claimed the last three tricks with his KQ10.

      6, Doubled and Redoubled — oh, and vulnerable, scored Cowboy, that's +2070.  It was a number he knew well.

      Would it have helped, wondered a shocked Attila, if I had led my Ace of trumps ?

      Cowboy shook his head, saying: It wouldn't have helped us at all.

      The Maggot was non-plussed.

      Where do you get your luck? he asked.

      Well, sometimes it comes from above, drawled the cowpoke, casting a glance towards Attila, and sometimes, it comes from another direction.


Part 5: The Sultan

      Sitting across from Cowboy is the Sultan: a tall, thin wisp of a man, whose misfortune rivals the Maggot's. 
      The Sultan's first curse is his looks: he bears an unfortunate resemblance to Ron Palileo ("Horshak" from "Welcome Back Carter").  Rising from his uneven facial features between vacant eyes is a veritable mountain of a nose.  The Sultan once woke up to find that Attila had rented out his nostrils as a two-car garage. 

      He looks like a can opener with hair, commented the Caustic Caution and, for once, few would disagree.  None of this talk disturbs the Sultan's happy-go-lucky manner.  His sunny disposition and massive proboscis resulted in him being dubbed the "Happy Hooknose". 

      The Sultan's biggest problem, though, is his inability to attract HCPs.  Known alternately as the "Duke of Yarborough" or the "Sultan of Spots", this man is largely responsible for the structure of negative responses in their system.  Indeed, the touchstone of a 100% forcing bid is one that even the Sultan cannot pass.  On one occasion, the Duke went three months without a single HCP.  When he finally got a hand with an HCP — a measly Jack — he stopped the game.

      Wait a minute, he whispered suspiciously, one of my cards is staring at me !

      After another such dry stretch, the Duke gave up on his pursuit of Aces and face cards.  Instead, he developed the Low Card Point Count: 4 points for a ten, 3 for a nine, 2 for an eight, 1 for a seven, and one extra point for possession of all four deuces.  During this period of development, he picked up this hand:
Cowboy
A 10
A Q 9
A K 5 3
A Q J 9
Attila
J 9 8 7
6 5 4
9 8 7
K 6 4
Maggot
K Q
K J 10
Q J 10 x
10 8 7 5
Sultan
6 5 4 3 2
8 7 3 2
4 2
3 2
CowboyMaggotSultanAttila
2NT Pass 3 Pass
3 Pass 4 Pass
Pass Pass

      Attila led 6.  The Sultan called for 9.  Winning this trick with 10, the Maggot returned Q.  The Hooknose played off AK, and entered his hand with a Diamond ruff.  He took the Club finesse, and returned to his hand, by ruffing Dummy's last Diamond with his 7. 
      At this point, Attila considered tossing a Club to blank his K, but the Sultan could then make by playing a Club followed by A and Q, eventually endplaying the Maggot in Clubs.  Instead, Attila threw a small Spade.

      Another Club hook allowed the Sultan to play off A, and ruff Dummy's fourth Club with his 8.  A Spade to A and another Spade endplayed the Maggot in KJ.

      4, non-vulnerable, making Five, scored the Maggot disgustedly, for 450.

      It was a good thing you had 8 and 7, pard, observed God's Favourite Atheist drily.

      What ?  asked an indignant Sultan.  You think I bid on nothing ?


Part 6: The Maggot Makes a Finesse

      Sleep is an unplanned affair in Punkydoodle's Corners. 
One player takes too long for a play or call, and the others either recognize that he is asleep or fall asleep themselves.  Soon all four players are unconscious.  Only rarely, do any of them make it as far as their beds in the adjoining rooms. 
      On one occasion, I awoke to find the Caustic Caution, Cowboy and the Duke of Yarborough picking up their hands.  They wondered aloud about who was going to go into the Maggot's bedroom to wake him up.  All three refused the mission and then turned to stare pointedly at me. 
      Clearly, the job was mine.

      I inhaled deeply before entering the Maggot's crypt.  Instantly, I sensed where Attila's letter bomb must have exploded.  Garbage, sweaty clothes and debris were scattered hip deep about the room.  I stumbled towards the Ghost of Cleanliness Past, still holding my breath.  I shook the comatose Maggot awake. 

      "Is it tomorrow already?" he moaned, wiping the blur and sleep from his eyes.  Pausing for a moment to orient himself to reality — such as it is in Punkydoodle's Corners — the Son of Miss Fortune threw on a bathrobe.  He yawned inadvertently, his morning breath curling my eyebrows. 
      I helped him to the table, where he took his seat and picked up his first hand of the day. 
Attila
5 2
Q 9 7
J 9 4
A 10 7 6 5
Sultan
10 7 4
5 4 3
6 3 2
9 8 4
Cowboy
K 8
J 8 6 2
K 5 4
K Q J 3
Maggot
A Q J 9 6 3
A K 10
A Q 10 8
2
MaggotSultanAttilaCowboy
2 Pass 3 Pass
4 Pass 4 Pass
4 Pass 4NT Pass
5 Pass 5 Pass
6 Pass 6 Pass
6 Pass Pass Pass
    The auction reflected the peculiar bidding style of the PdCers.  After the Maggot's game-forcing 2 opening, Attila confessed to hold A, no King, Queen, length or shortness outside of the Club suit. 

      The Happy Hooknose led a small Club and dummy came down.  It seemed like an unremarkable hand to me.  Six Spades, requiring one of the two finesses.  Realizing this, the Maggot conceded down one and threw his cards into the centre of the table.

      Come on, Mag, chided his partner, at least give it the old college try.

      The Ghost shrugged his shoulders, and picked up his hand again.  Winning the first trick with A, he led a Spade towards his own hand and inserted Q.  It held.

      Nice defence, commented the Maggot.  He knew the script by heart: he would waste his last entry to dummy in order to repeat the finesse; the Sultan would win the second round of Spades and then Declarer would not even be able to get back to dummy to lose the Diamond hook.

      Kto skazal (Кто сказал) ‘A’, muttered a resigned Maggot, astonishing me with his knowledge of Russian proverbs.  Once you've said ‘A’, {you must say ‘B’}.  He re-entered Dummy with Q and played a small trump.  The Law of Average's Most Wanted Man contributed K.  The Maggot stared at the card, until the truth set in.

      A finesse ! he shouted.  I made a finesse !   I can't believe it !   I made a finesse !

      With this, he threw his cards up into the air and jumped to his feet.  Waving his arms and screaming uncontrollably, he started dancing an Irish jig.  With surprising grace, he made the transitions into a tarantella, a skottische, a brief Charleston, and then a stylized Cossack sabre dance. 
      At this point, he caught sight of the other three players looking at him with coprophaegic grins spread across their faces.  Slowly the truth dawned.

      Oh, no, cried the Maggot.  You ... you couldn't have ... you wouldn't ... you didn't ...

      Enough of this fun, pard, announced the Rattler, it's time to play some real Bridge.


Part 7: The Lady in Dread

      I asked the players why they were not interested in playing duplicate Bridge.  In truth, I had an ulterior motive: if I could find a duplicate game, I could find civilization and get out of Punkydoodle's Corners. 
      The players stared at me blankly.  Later, the Maggot took me aside and explained.  The PdCers had been declared primata non grata at every club in the district.  It seemed that sensitive listeners didn't want to sit with earshot of Attila, bidders didn't want to sit in the same direction as the Duke, first-place aspirants didn't want to play in the same game as God's Favourite Atheist, and nose breathers didn't want to sit downwind of the Maggot.

      Nor were the Maggot or Attila quick to return after their last foray into duplicate Bridge.  Lured by the glamour and excitement of a National, the residents of Punkydoodle's Corners travelled "en masse" to the big city to participate.  The Open Pairs event involved 13 2-board rounds.  As two dignified ladies approached their table, the Rattler hissed: Here come two sure tops.

      On the first hand, the woman on Attila's left brought home a chancy slam in spectacular fashion.  What she did on the second hand is still a subject of reverent whispers around Punkydoodle's Corners.
Maggot
Q J 8 7
A K 8 6
8
A 10 6 4
Our Heroine
K 6 2
Q 4
A K Q J 7 6 4 2
H's Partner
4 2
J 7 5 2
10 5 3
9 8 7 3 2
Attila
A 10 9 5 3
10 9 3
9
K Q J 5
MaggotH's PardAttilaHeroine
2 Pass 3 4
4 5 Pass Pass
5 PassPassDble
PassPassPass
With both sides vulnerable, scores on this hand were "all over the map". 
    Many N-S pairs chalked up +620 for their Vul 4.
    Others collected +200 against opponents' good 5 sacrifice. 
    Some unfortunates spat up –710 for Doubling 4

      But, only the Ghost of Cleanliness Past and the Caustic Caution found a way to go for –800.

      With cucumbrian coolness, our Heroine led 2 from AKQJ7642.  Her partner did a doubletake at winning this trick with her 10, and returned a low Club.  The lady in the limelight trumped this and switched to Q.  Attila won with K in dummy and finessed a Spade. 
      Winning this trick with K, our Heroine put her small Heart on the table.  Attila harrumphed, confidantly calling for a small Heart from the table.  When RHO won this trick with her only High Card Point (I leave it to the reader to guess which direction the Sultan sat in this event), she tracked back another Club.  Our Heroine ruffed this, and magnanimously conceded the remainder of the tricks.

      Silence reigned at the table, until the Director called for the next round to commence.  The ladies wished them luck and moved on.

      You were right, pard, said the Maggot cheerfully.  Two tops just came and went.

      The Ghost shook his head glumly, as he finished relating this story to me.

      I made a note of that lady's name, in case we ever ran up against her again.

      Oh? Who was she? I asked.

      She went by the name of Helen Sobel.  Ever heard of her?


Part 8: The Leading Man

      Those who hold cards as poor as the Sultan tend to find themselves on opening lead more often than the rest of us. 
And, just as "practice makes perfect", the Duke's experience and skill in this field has earned him the role of "leading man". 
      On rare occasions, when he is at a loss for a good opening lead, Cowboy comes to his rescue, humming "The Troglydite Song", "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend", "Dear Heart", or "Coal Miner's Daughter", for a lead of the appropriate suit. 
      In recent years, this practice became more refined, adding tunes to call for either of two suits or any of three suits.  Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" is geared towards a Heart or Diamond lead.  Gordon Lightfoot's "Black Day in July" attracts a Club or Spade start.  Bob Dylan's "Black Diamond Bay" encourages any lead other than Hearts.  Unfortunately for those with earshot, Lady Luck's Lover is completely tone deaf. 
      As the Rattler has pointed out, the cowpoke couldn't carry a note in an envelope.  His mournful, off-key humming has caused this lead-directing convention to be called "The Dreary Convention".

      Staring at
   Q x    10 9 x    x x x    10 9 x x x
the Hooknose heard this auction:
AttilaSultanMaggotCowboy
2 Pass 2 Pass
2 Pass 2NT Pass
3 Pass 3 Pass
4 Pass 4 Pass
Pass Pass

Knowing that Opener holds 16-17 HCPs, 4-4-1-4 distribution and 0 or 3 Key Cards, what should he lead?
   The Duke needed no help from Dreary here. 
As soon as the final Pass came out of his mouth, a small Spade shot out of his hand.

Maggot
J 10 x x
J
K Q 10 x x
Q x x
Sultan
Q x
10 9 x
x x x
10 9 x x x
Cowboy
A x x
K x x x x
A J 9 x
J
Attila
K 9 x x
A Q 10 x
x
A K x x
    Cowboy won the trump lead and returned another.  Attila couldn't see the point in rising with K; what idiot would lead from Qx ?

    Winning with Q, the Hooknose returned a Diamond to Dummy's K and partner's A.  This allowed the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man to play a third round of trump. 
      Declarer could no longer set up Diamonds.  Instead, the Rabid Rattler banged down A and tabled Q for a trumping finesse.  The Sultan broke out laughing at this effort.

      You thought that I could be dealt Q and the K on the same hand? giggled the Duke of Yarborough.

      No, blushed the Caustic Caution, but I couldn't think of anyone on your side more deserving of K.

      It was K, not K, which was misplaced, opined the Maggot.

      But K was in my hand, said Attila, bewildered by his partner's observation.

      Yes, agreed the Maggot, and at trick #3, it was still in your hand !


Part 9: A Beauty and a Pearl

      The Maggot continued to regale me with stories of their participation in the Nationals.  They had arrived on Friday, just in time to play in the Swiss Teams.  The Ghost insists that their entry into the playing room might have gone unnoticed, had the Head Director not pointed at them and screamed Aliens !
      The Fearsome Foursome was forced to retreat under a hail of boards, pencils, chairs, shrieks and abuse.  They regrouped in the men's room.  A terrified occupant of one of the cubicles was impressed into service as an intermediary.  This go-between negotiated with the directors to facilitate the Foursome's participation in the tournament.   
      He returned with terms: the players would have to change into clean clothes, bathe, remove all facial hair and ditch Fleshie.  While the other three promised to comply reluctantly, the Maggot remained adamant.  Clearly, this was no way to treat a visiting dignitary such as the Mayor of all Punkydoodle's Corners.

      Eventually, a compromise was worked out:
      The Foursome rented a hotel room, scraped off their beards, cleaned themselves up and changed their ecoutre.  They cut up a bedsheet and threw it over Fleshie.  After showers, shaves and shroud, they re-entered the playing site without incidents. 
The PCers bought their entry and sat down.

      The first opponents to play against Attila-Maggot were a kindly old grandmother playing with her attractive granddaughter.  The Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune stopped fuming for a moment to smile at his adversaries.  Fleshie was not so mollified.  The granddaughter wondered what was under the shroud and why it was on the Ghost's shoulder.  The Caustic Caution explained that it was a cancerous growth, an oozing open sore too hideous to show the public.  His partner quickly clamped his hand on the top of the sheet to quell any squawks.

      The Rabid Rattler turned his attention to the elder opponent.  Glancing at her convention card, he chortled: I don't believe it.  She's so old, her name is Pearl.

      As play began, this abuse continued.  Whenever the lady failed to make a bid or play in exact tempo, the Caution prodded her with such charming admonitions as Come on, lady.  Before rigor mortis sets in ... and Hey, lady, nap time is between rounds !

      For her part, the grandmother never lost her composure.  She smiled in the face of this abuse, even thanking the Rattler for reminding her when she might catch some sleep.

      As play progressed, Attila became even more offensive — though one would have to know the man to believe this possible.  His mood deteriorated after the first hand:

Maggot
7
K J 9 5
A K J 9 7
9 6 4
Pearl
A Q 10 6 4 3
A 6
Q 8 4 3
K
Beauty
8 5 2
10 8 4 3 2
10 2
J 10 3
Attila
K J 9
Q 7
5 6
A Q 8 7 5 2
AttilaPearlMaggotBeauty
2 2 Dble Pass
3NT Pass Pass Pass
    3NT was made easily at the other table, after a Spade lead.  Declarer won, entered dummy with a Diamond and led a small Club to 8. 
    Five Club tricks, two in Diamonds and two in the majors added up to nine.

      At this table, Pearl offered up the Trojan-Horse lead of K.  The Caution can resist anything but temptation.  Without a moment's thought, he scooped up K with his A, banged down Q and never saw his hand again.  In with J, the Beauty dutifully played through a Spade for partner.  Two Spades and a trick in every other suit meant down one, –100.

      Sadly for the Fearsome Foursome, this was one of their better boards from this round.

      But how could anyone lose a seven-board match by 109 IMPs? the Sultan wondered in the post mortem.

      The granddaughter approached the Maggot with her sympathies.

      I'm sorry about that ... that thing, she whispered sweetly.

      Oh, don't worry about this, the Ghost said non-chalantly, stroking the top of the shroud, it'll be fine.

      Oh, that, she said, I'm sorry about that too.

      Pearl confirmed the score.  Yes, 109, that was correct.  Attila was shell-shocked, incapable of coherent speech.

      Wha ... wha ... what happened? he blithered.

      Pearl swung on her heels, pointed at her tormentor and hissed through clenched teeth: That'll teach you, you f# !#@ !# pooch !


Part 10: The Beast of Bridge

      Every town or city is afflicted by its own version of the Caustic Caution.  The host city of the Nationals was no different.  Theirs was a nasty, unprincipled lout known as the Beast
      Ironically, while Maggot and Attila battled Beauty and Pearl, this particular local burden was playing only three tables over.  Fate, in the form of a Tournament Director looking for an excuse to evict the Foursome, would soon bring them closer still.

      Acting as team captain, the Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune picked up their second round assignment.  Hoping for a scouting report, he strolled over the the man from the washroom, who had negotiated their entry into the event.  The rest of the PdCers joined them.

      What's this guy like? asked the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.

      Well, drawled the go-between, let me put it this way: this is the one guy who can trace his ancestry forward ... to the Book of Revelations !

      Come again? said the Sultan.

      Let me give you another clue, continued the diplomat diplomatically, when this guy talks about the Four Horsemen, he ain't referring to the Cartwrights.

      The Beast !? guessed the Maggot.  Even as far away as Punkydoodle's Corners, people had heard of the Beast.  It seemed that no one ever wanted to play in the same game as this disgusting, underhanded reprobate.  No one, that is, except God's Favourite Atheist and the Caustic Caution.

      Dibs on the Beast ! they shouted in unison.  Their motives were clear enough.  Lady Luck's Lover wanted to meet a fellow card-sharp; perhaps they could compare notes and talk shop.  Attila felt his position threatened by the notion that anyone could be more obnoxious than he.  The two men began bickering about who should be accorded the dubious honour of playing against the Beast.

      I have a solution, offered the washroom ambassador, why don't the two of you play together, you know, as partners? Cowboy and the Rattler looked at each another.  Again they shouted as one.

      When hell has hockey !

      Nevertheless, there was no other solution.  Word of the match-up spread and a crowd of ghoulish kibitzers crowded around the table.  Onlookers did not have to wait long for the fireworks to begin.  Oddly enough, the Beast's opening salvo was one of Cowboy's favourite ploys.

B's Partner
K x x x
A Q x
J x x
Q x x
Cowboy
x x
x x x x x
9 8 x
J x x
Attila
x
J 10 x x
A K 10 x
x x x x
Beast
A Q x x x x
K
Q x x
A K x

A standard 1:3:6 auction left the Beast in a seemingly impossible slam.  Impossible, that is, after the Cowboy led the 9.  Declarer ruffed the Caution's K, only to have dummy ask: No Diamonds, partner?

No ... whoops ... sorry, I do have a Diamond, stuttered the Beast clumsily, as he produced Q. 
    Attila switched to a Club, and watched Declarer pitch his two Diamond losers on Hearts.  6, making, –1430.

      A Trump Commotion, observed the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man.  Well done.

      The Beast followed this up with another old standby. 
With AJ9x opposite K108x, he faced a two-way finesse for Q.  He won the opening Heart lead in his hand and then tried to lead 10 from dummy.

      You're leading from the wrong hand ! protested an excited Rattler.

      Sorry, apologized the Beast, as he led a Club to dummy's K, rather than letting 10 ride.  Attila's agitated state had alerted him to the location of Q.

      A Blue Cross Coup, said Cowboy patiently.

      Why do you call it that? queried the Beast.

      Try it on us again, the Rattler seethed, and you'll find out.

      On the third hand, God's Favourite Atheist opened a pre-emptive 3.  The Beast's partner made a loud but "co-operative" Double on
   x x    A Q 9 x    A K x    A x x x .
     
      In light of the volume of the Double, the Beast decided that his most co-operative action would be to leave the Double in — with four Spades and a singleton Heart.  This decision turned out to be very foretelling: +500 as opposed to the –500 that 3 contract would have cost.

      "The Rabies Rule,"  commented Lady Luck's Lover drily. 

When partner is frothing at the mouth,
it is usually right to leave his Double in.

      None of this disturbed Cowboy.  What did finally upset him was seeing "third and fifth" written on the back of the Beast's convention card.

      In the isolated environment of Punkydoodle's Corners, "3rd and 5th" does not refer to a carding convention.  Rather, it refers to a method of dealing with the opponents' 1NT and higher level openings — especially artificial 2-bids.  Before passing, one can show a good hand by subjecting Opener's partner to the third degree.

      What is the range of that bid? – suggests 6+ HCPs.

      Do you play it straight-up or with variations? – shows 9+ HCPs.

      What negative inferences can you draw from this bid? – promises a full opening bid.

      Does he ever psyche this opening bid? – guarantees 20+ HCPs and is forcing to game.

      Holding a hand weaker than 6 HCPs, one clams up like a witness citing the Fifth, passing without a word.  This understanding, called "Third Degree and Fifth Amendment" or just "Third and Fifth", is a well-known defence against alerts in Punkydoodle's Corners.  Playing 3rd and 5th was one thing; marking it on your card was quite another.  Cowboy couldn't believe their cheek. 

      Cowboy's thoughts returned for a moment to the previous hand.  Clearly, the Beast was familiar with the Rabies Rule.  But, did he know that it was only one of the Three R's of Bridge?  Cowboy saw that it was his duty to round out the Beast's education.

      He started with the Rocket Rule:

When your HCP count is down around zero, blast off
  or, more succinctly, Count down! Blast off!
      The Caution opened 1NT, not Vul versus Vul opponents. 
      The Beast held 14 HCPs and began questioning the Cowboy.
What is the range of your 1NT ?
Did you ever open 1NT with both majors ?
Could there be a 5-card major ?
Does it imply Club length ?
      Lady Luck's Lover answered all questions calmly and politely.
AttilaBeastCowboyB's Pard
1NTPass3NTPass
PassPass
      Once the Beast passed, God's Favourite Atheist jumped to 3NT on a balanced Yarborough.  Unfamiliar with pre-emptive jumps in Notrump, the Beast's partner, holding 13 HCPs himself, concluded that the Beast had psyched his interrogation on a bust.
      Declaring 3NT, down 6 (–300), turned out to be only half as expensive as defending Vul. 3NT.


Cowboy
A x x x
  —
J 10 x x x
K x x x
Beast
K Q 10 x
A K J x x x
A x
x
B's Pard
x x
Q x x x
x x x x
x x x
Attila
J x x
x x x
K Q
A Q J x x
AttilaBeastCowboyB's Pard
1NT 2 3 Dble
3 Pass 4 Pass
Pass Dble! 4NT Pass
5 PassPassPass
    This hand allowed the Cowboy to demonstrate the Richter Rule: Run from any Double that registers higher than 2.1 on the Richter scale.
      The Beast's Double of our 4 caused tables to shake three counties away.  5, of course, was Attila-proof and allowed the Fearsome Foursome to chalk up a double game swing by making 4 at the other table.

      When the smoke cleared, the Foursome had won by 36 IMPs and none of the kibitzers were demanding their money back.


Part 11: Laze, Lays and Leis

      The unholy alliance of God's Favourite Atheist and the Happy Hooknose were still lazing in their beds, when Fleshie and I were convinced to try playing the Canadian Club. 
      I agreed hesitantly.  The bird was amenable.  It was Fleshie's turn to deal.  He stood in the middle of the table beside the shuffled deck, and tossed cards one at a time in all four directions.  The Maggot propped up Fleshie's cards in the bird's rack.  The Ravin' Raven stepped behind this rack to begin the auction.

Me
 —
5 4 3
A Q 7 6 4 2
10 8 4 3
Attila
A K 3
K Q J 9 8
K J
Q J 5
Maggot
9 8 7 6 4 2
 —
10 9 8
9 7 6 2
Fleshie
Q J 10 5
A 10 7 6 2
5 3
A K

"Misdeal," announced the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.  "Someone dealt me the Sultan's hand."

      Fleshie ignored this objection, opening the bidding with 1
    After Attila's pass, I was faced with a number of systemic options: 2, 3, 2, or 2NT(to be followed by 3).
FleshieAttilaMeMaggot
1 Pass 3 Pass
4 Dble Pass Pass
Rdbl Pass Pass Pass
      I chose the mini-splinter response 3, accentuating my shortness in Spades.  Aggressive bidders by nature, the Punkydoodle's Corners crowd tends to consider all invitations forcing.  Fleshie was no exception to this rule. 
      At his turn, he bid 4 and, when the Caustic Caution's Double came around to him, flashed his beaver card.

      Attila lead K and smiled at Declarer, when the Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune showed out.

      Let's see how the Plumed Profanity handles the Hawaii trump split ! cackled the Caution.

      Hawaii? I asked.

      5-0, explained the Maggot.

      Oh, of course, I said meekly.  Silly me.

Me
 —
5 4 3
A Q 7 6 4 2
10 8 4 3
Attila
A K 3
K Q J 9 8
K J
Q J 5
Maggot
9 8 7 6 4 2
 —
10 9 8
9 7 6 2
Fleshie
Q J 10 5
A 10 7 6 2
5 3
A K
      Fortunately for us, the plain suits lay much more favourably than trumps.  The Macho Mynah won the first trick with A, and banged down Q, ruffing out the Caution's K.  Returning to his K, Declarer tabled J, ruffing out Attila's A.  He came back to his hand with A, cashed his 10, finessed a Diamond and cashed A. 
      He then ruffed a Club in his hand and placed 5 onto the playing surface.  Attila trumped this perforce and had to concede the game-going trick to Fleshie's 10.

      Geez, partner, complained the Maggot, what did you Double on?


Part 12: Encore !

      Fleshie had had enough.  This simply wasn't sporting. 
He flew back to the Maggot's shoulder and wouldn't budge.  Fifteen minutes of pleading from his owner and threats from the Rattler would not dissuade him. 
      I intimated that the Cultured Vulture might be lacking a competent partner.  No, the Macho Mynah would not be shamed, begged or bullied back into the game.  It was time for bribery.  The Maggot pulled out his Ace-in-the-hole.

      I'll let you sit on Attila's forehead next time he's waking up.

      In the flicker of an eyelash and the flutter of feathers, the Ravin' Raven was back behind his card rack.  The next hand gave the Plumed Profanity an opportunity to "flesh out" his demonstra-tion on the subtleties of advanced pseudo-squeezes

Myself
Q 8 7 3
A 6
5 4 2
Q 5 4 3
Attila
J 6 5 4
7 3
K Q J 10 8
J 9
Maggot
K 9
Q J 10 9 8 2
 —
K 8 7 6 2
Fleshie
A 10 2
K 5 4
A 9 7 6 3
A 10
AttilaMyselfMaggotFleshie
PassPassPass 1
Pass 1 Dble 2NT
Pass3NTPassPass
DblePassPassPass
The only thing remarkable about the auction is that the building's foundation withstood the Rattler's Double. 

      The Caustic Caution led K, and saw his partner signal with an encouraging Q.  When Declarer allowed him to win this trick, Attila continued with Q, which Fleshie permitted him to win as well.  At trick #3, the Rattler, noticing his partner bouncing in his seat, switched to 7.
      Declarer played two rounds of Hearts, and exit with a small Diamond to the Caution.  This ploy convinced Attila that this was an attempted suicide squeeze.  Instead of continuing Diamonds, he switched to J, covered by Queen, King and Ace. 
      Fleshie cashed his 10 and A, and exit with his last Diamond.  Down to J654, the Rattler was forced to lead a Spade, pickling the Maggot's Spade holding.  The Macho Mynah took his owner's 9 with his 10, tossed A on the table, collecting K, and finessed with dummy's 8 to make the 3NT Doubled.  Routine.

      The Rabid Rattler was bewildered.  He tried to explain to his partner.

      When I saw you ... that is, when the Buzzard kept throwing me in with Diamonds, I figured I must be squeezing you.

      Squeezing me?  countered the Illegitimate Son of Miss Fortune.  Are you nuts?  You must've been illusionary !

      Perhaps,  I interjected softly, he saw a ghost.

      The Maggot shook his head, but remained quiet.  Once he had calmed down, he congratulated his pet.

      Now I really have seen everything.  First, a squeeze without an entry.  Now, a squeeze without a threat.


Part 13: Breakfast of Champions

      I woke up to the sound of a jackhammer in the next room.  I staggered into the playing room to find Attila trying to explain to the Maggot the difference between a finesse and a ducking play.  I asked about the renovations.

      No renovations, the Caution explained.  That's the Hooknose snoring.

      Sure enough, the cacaphony stopped, and the Duke appeared in the bedroom doorway.

      Breakfast !  bellowed the Duke. 
     In Punkydoodle's Corners, food entails beer and potato chips.  It follows that breakfast involves lite beer and bacon-flavoured potato chips.  I handed the Sultan a brew and a bag of "breakfast".

      I still don't get it,  whined the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.
If I never win a ducking play, and I never win a finesse ...

      The others gave up.
      It was like trying to explain music to the deaf.  Colour to the blind.  Civilization to a PdCer.  Besides, the others were hardly sympathetic to his plight.  Cowboy couldn't imagine anyone having difficulty with making finesses; it was as natural as breathing.  The Sultan of Spots couldn't sympathize, since he never held two cards high enough to try a finesse.  That left the Rabid Rattler, who couldn't spell the word "sympathy".

      Where's Cowboy?  I asked.

      Still asleep,  the Sultan answered between munches and gulps.  He must've exerted himself last night. The others concurred.  By the time the Foursome took to their beds, the quality of play and the attention level had taken a nose dive. 
      On one hand, God's Favourite Atheist led a Diamond up to dummy, ruffed it despite the five Diamonds on board, and led a Diamond from the table, trumping it in his hand.  He continued this until the suit was established and he was able to claim his contract.  Amazingly, no one noticed.  What was even more remarkable was the contract.  Lady Luck's Lover became the first Bridge player in history to make 3NT on a cross-revoke.

      The players were anxious to start.  Who would fill in for the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man?   Fleshie and I both declined the invitation.  The PdCers became more insistent with Ravin' Raven.  After a suitable bribe (a sleeping perch outside the Maggot's bedroom) was offered and accepted, the Cultured Vulture set up shop opposite the Ghost of Cleanliness Past.

Maggot
J 9 4
3
A 10 9 7 6
K 5 3 2
Sultan
8 7 5 3
9 8 5 4
4 3 2
8 7
Attila
Q 10 2
J 10 7 6
J 8
Q J 10 9
Fleshie
A K 6
A K Q 2
K Q 4
A 6 4
AttilaFleshieSultanMaggot
Pass1 Pass2
Pass2 Pass2
Pass3 Pass3NT
Pass4 Pass5
Pass5 Pass5NT
Pass6 Pass6
Pass 7NT PassPass
Pass
    The auction reflected the PdCers unique bidding system.  The final contract reflected their unique grasp on sanity.  It was an ambitious contract by non-local standards.

      But Fleshie knew his customers.  Sure enough, help was on its way.

      The Rabid Rattler began absent-mindedly humming the theme music to a movie that he'd seen recently.  As soon as the first bar of the score to "Diamonds are Forever" reached the Sultan's ears, 3 landed on the table.

      Fleshie viewed Dummy for a moment.  He won this trick with A unblocking his Q, and played J.  This was covered by Q and K.  He played three rounds of Diamonds, ending up on the table and led 9, covered by 10 and A.  The Macho Mynah then plunked down his A, entered dummy with K. 
Maggot
4
3
10
5 3
Sultan
8
9 8 5 4
Attila
J 10 7 6
Q
Fleshie
6
A K Q 2
      When he played off dummy's two remaining Diamonds, shedding a Club and a Spade from his own hand, the adversaries began squirming.  At trick #9, the table's last Diamond squeezes both opponents.  The Sultan had to keep a Spade, while Attila had to keep a Club.  Neither could keep four Hearts.

      If only you'd led a Heart, commented the Caution, we'd have cut off his entry from dummy for the squeeze.
      While the others accepted this analysis, Fleshie squawked an objection.  The bird redealt the hand, and proceeded to demonstrate how Declarer would make 13 tricks on a Heart lead.  Three rounds of Hearts, tossing Clubs from dummy, two top Spades, enter dummy with K and rattle off five rounds of Diamonds.  Attila would be unable to keep Q and a third Club.

      At the conclusion of this lesson, the Duke of Yarborough had a query.

      Couldn't Fleshie have played this second line of play on any lead?

      This question remained unanswered.  The bird rolled his eyes and shook its head in disgust.  He returned to the Ghost's shoulder, determined to never again cast his pearls before these swine.

      By the way,  I interjected, was that a Vienna Coup, a double squeeze, or a transfer guard squeeze?

      Again, there was no immediate response.  After a few moments' thought, the Maggot offered his opinion.

      All three.


Part 14: Replay

      The Punkydoodle's Corners crowd does not like to spend much time on post-mortems.  If a long debate over the potential of a hand crops up, the players settle matters by redealing and replaying the hand.

      Of course, not every hand is a high-stakes slam or game contract.  Take this innocuous partscore, for example.

Attila
8 7 4 2
6
A K Q 5 4
Q 10 4
Cowboy
Q 6
A Q 9 5 3
J
A K 7 6 2
Sultan
9 5 3
10 8 7
10 9 8 7 2
8 3
Maggot
A K J 10
K J 4 2
6 3
J 9 5
CowboyAttilaSultanMaggot
1 Dble Pass 2
Pass Pass Pass
    It looked like a simple hand.  The defence rated to cash two top Clubs, get a Club ruff, return a Heart and fold their tents, after Declarer draws two rounds of trumps.  Of course, looks can be deceiving. 

      Lady Luck's Lover led A, followed by K.  Cowboy now switched to J.   Declarer won on dummy and played a trump towards his hand.  The Maggot felt safe with the Cowboy on lead, so he inserted J.  If trumps were to break 4-1, Declarer would like to retain control of the suit.

      Cowboy scooped up J with his Q, gave partner 2 to ruff and trumped the Sultan's Diamond return.  The A became the setting trick.  The Caustic Caution weighed in, immediately. 

      "Why didn't you bang down AK?   Taking a Spade finesse was crazy !"

      The Ghost of Cleanliness Past remembered the Rattler's Reality Rule:

Never tell partner the truth;
  it will only confuse him.
This dictum often featured in the Caution's sanctimonious diatribes pontificating about how partner would be drawn to a disastrous conclusion, once he had been confused by the facts at hand.
      There was no point in explaining him concepts like trump control and safety.

      I pulled the wrong card,  fibbed the Son of Miss Fortune.  He then turned his attention to God's Favourite Atheist.

      Say, Cowpoke, why didn't you give your partner a Club ruff immediately?

      The Law of Average's Most Wanted Man smiled.

      I had to make the world safe for damn ol' crazy Spade hooks.

      The Sultan tried to mollify Attila.

      Cheer up, Rab.  It wasn't your hand anyway.  2, down one, is much better than our 3, making.

      3? guffawed the Rattler.  My partner probably would've Doubled 3.  You're vulnerable, you know.

      Want to defend 3 Doubled? offered the Cowboy.

      At this moment, the Maggot looked at his watch.
      It was 7:30 P.M. 
      He took this as an omen that he was about to lose 730 in the post-mortem, allowing the Doubled 3 to make.

      No !.  he said firmly.  Fleshie agreed with his owner, squawking and shaking his head.

      Yes !,  insisted the Caution.  He redealt the hand and played it open.  Three rounds of Spades.  Cowboy ruffed the third, played AK and ruffed a third Club on dummy.  What did Attila want his partner to do, now that Declarer plays 10 from the table ?

Attila
8 7 4 2
6
A K Q 5 4
Q 10 4
Cowboy
Q 6
A Q 9 5 3
J
A K 7 6 2
Sultan
9 5 3
10 8 7
10 9 8 7 2
8 3
Maggot
A K J 10
K J 4 2
6 3
J 9 5
      Well, if he ducks, you'll lead the last Heart to your Q, plunk down A and concede a trump. 
      So, partner should cover 10 with his J.

      Okay,  countered the Cowboy. 
      I win Q and ruff another Club with dummy's last trump.  Do you want your partner to over-ruff with K ?

      He can't,  the Rattler inferred aloud.  You'll then draw trumps and claim.  Okay, so he tosses a Spade.

      Then, I ruff a Diamond into my hand, and play my last Club.  You can trump this and concede the last two tricks to my A9.  Now, AK, two Club ruffs on dummy and five trump tricks in my hand adds up to nine.  +730 to us.

      Of course,  opined the Caution, you'd never reach 3, after your partner failed to bid 2 over the Double.

      That's right, concurred the Ghost, turning to the DukeI wonder why you didn't raise to 2.  I've seen you bid on less.

      I was a little timid, I guess,  shrugged the Hooknose.

      Cowboy came to his partner's defence, explaining that this was simply a matter of perspective.  An aggressive bidder might find the pass somewhat pusillanimous [=timid], while a more cautious bidder would find a 2 raise reckless.  The Rattler guffawed, calling this rationalization "malarky".

      What happened next caused the Maggot to drop into a dead faint, while the rest of us were stunned into silence. 
      Fleshie raised one wing into the air, catching everyone's attention.

      Nevertheless,  spake the Raven, timidity is in the eye of the bolder.


Epilogue and Travelogue

      Over the course of the months that I stayed there, I became aware of what occupations the PdCers had pursued before discovering Bridge. 
      The Maggot had been a professional baseball player, briefly called up to the bid leagues to play with the Philadelphia Phillies.
      Attila had been a civil servant in the tax department.  This I found ironic, since, while he was neither civil nor servantile, he certainly was taxing. 
      The Sultan sold mountain-climbing gear, while the Law of Average's Most Wanted Man was — of all things — a minister.

      A northern proverb tells us that any fool can see what's there, but that only a wise person can see what's missing
This would explain Attila's 20-20 vision, but it also causes the rest of us to wonder what is missing from this group — besides hygiene, tact, skill, dignity and grace, of course. 
      There didn't seem to be a Bridge theoretrician in their midst.  Who had invented the Canadian Club?   On what was to be my last day in Punkydoodle's Corners I posed this question.  The room fell silent.  Perhaps, this was false modesty?  No.

      Our wives, answered Cowboy quietly.

      Wives? I repeated incredulously.  You guys are married?

      The Happy Hooknose shrugged his shoulders.  The other three nodded sadly.

      To women?  I know that some questions are best left unasked. But, I had to ask.

      Of course !  bellowed the Caution.  What would you expect?

      Some questions, once asked, are best left unanswered.

      When I showed interest in learning more about their spouses, the players became very quiet.

      The ladies ... they're a little ... unbalanced, stuttered the Sultan.

      Unbalanced? giggled the Caution obnoxiously.  They're lunatics !

      My morbid curiousity was getting the best of me.  I had to meet anyone that these characters could consider "unbalanced".

      By prying into the subject, I learned that the ladies lived in the nearby hamlet of Sandy Ledge — better known by its nickname, "Sanity's Edge".  I badgered the group until I got directions.

      My next stop: Sanity's Edge.



On to “The Session from Hell” article.
On to “The Three Gadgeteers” article.
Back to the Ward's Home Page
Back to Colin Ward's Bridge Page
Go to The Canadian Bridge Federation Web Page
Go to The Bridge World Magazine Web Page


Valid HTML 4.0 Transitional saved from url=http://www.firesides.ca/cchumour.htm
inserted by FC2 system